Today only marks day two of his well over dramatic saga. I suppose i shouldn't judge. i have never had it, maybe his reactions to how he is feeling are legitimate.. for one who is so independent and self-sustained and mild mannered he has sure been clingy and whiney and pulling out all the "whoa is me" bells and whistles with this one. His face today looks like Rocky Balboa on a bad day, and FORGET trying to put his eye drops in. That's a fun exercise 3 times a day. How scary is it to have someone play with your hair as you lay in their lap, put one drop in each corner and say "blink blink blink sweetie?" He lays there, eyes pursed shut, not blinking, just crying as if i were sawing off his arm. I gave myself a drop, to make sure i was lying to him when i told him they felt good. they did feel quite refreshing, but maybe not to a raw eye? once he finally DOES blink, he's good and gets down. No crying, no ouch. so i think I'm fair in calling him a scardy cat :)
This morning he awoke and was calling out for me. His poor eyes were glued shut, much like i remember our baby kittens eyes growing up. There was no goop on the outside, so not much i could do as far as cleaning. We read Miss Spiders Tea Party together, I'd stop every so often, as we do, and he'd fill in the next line :) He eventually began rubbing his eyes, which he is not supposed to do, so we went and got a warm wet rag, and a dry one and tried to calmly tag team his eyes, me with the wet one, him following me and drying it up. No luck... so i told him we were going downstairs.. i lied. He must know the twists and turns of our house because as soon as i walked into my bedroom he began saying "Eh-E sweeping??" (Elsie sleeping?) and i said yes and then we walked into my bathroom.
Now would be a good time to tell you how completely TERRIFIED he is of showers. the sight of the shower head even brings him to quivers and tears.. the sound of it running, and despite him showing with me since he was a newborn, if you take him in there with you, you will emerge with battlewounds. We are not sure why, or how to explain this fear, other then to encompass it under the umbrella we put everything else under.. he's afraid, at least at first, of nearly everything except the things kids should be afraid of...cars, dogs..strangers.
He knew i had entered my bathroom, i felt his little kitten claws sink in for dear life. i tried to remove my clothes and his while we were still very attached to one another. As i'm trying to explain that this is the only thing that will help him see and i wont let go of him and he will be okay, i can feel his little body shaking, just trembling...and my heart breaks. He cant see. THat must be terrifying alone, not a day has gone by in his little two years when this security has been removed from him.. but today he cant see. And now, his mommy, the one he trusts the most, is taking him blindly into the place he terrifies the most, and she is telling him, "Just trust me."
A revelation awoke within me. How many time when we are in a point in our lives where we cant "see" and our Heavenly Father picks us us and carries us blindly into the places that terrify us the most? Do we listen when he says " Just Trust Me," Or are we 20% trusting and 80% ready to bolt? Do we trust that there is only one way for us to "get better" and to see, and only he knows that way? So the whole time from here on out, Im clinging to my baby, and seeing me. What a sweet sweet moment that was. my heart needed to break like that. After several minutes of letting the warm water splash down on his back, he finally found a peace in his body and rested his head onto my shoulder. He surrendered. He trusted me. Whatever fear lies within that shower, was not overcome (yet) but he knew i would protect him from it, that i was not going to let go of him, and slowly he began to see.
At this point Brother woke up and peeked his head in, Corban saw him through weepy goopy cracks and called for him, and invited him in. Not something generally allowed here since he's a big boy now. so i had him grab my swim suit for him and threw that on real quick. After moments of having his brother in there, and having the drain plugged so they had some splash water, the shower was not so scary, and i actually got to wash myself while they sat together below me :) and before i dried them off he even let me wipe the green boogers off of those ridiculously long lashes of his. He is now sitting peacefully in his high chair eating Ovaltine French Toast! He can watch his cartoon all because he surrendered to his fear. and he's having a relatively peaceful morning.
My nugget for the day... Oh to be more like a child when it comes to just resting my head in God's shoulder, even when i'm scared, because in reflection of all my life.. i KNOW that trusting him will get me exactly where i am meant to be.. and being scared and trusting myself and refusing to go where I'm frightened gets me no where but hanging out with my own goopy eyes listing to others reading books that i cant see. <3
